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June 25, 2008

Expert Layman Syndrome

We've all had episodes of this particular affliction (if one can call it that) from time to time. I too have had it. Chances are you have experienced it from someone in many different ways over the years.

How does it work? Take your favorite football tournament where your favorite team is playing. Imagine nothing is going right for your team. You, sitting, thousands of miles away, know exactly the problem. The coach should have done this or that, you tell your friend with increasing frustration. You plan out team tactics and strategies that the coach should be employing. Now pause for a while. You have just had an episode of Expert Layman Syndrome.

This is something that happens to everyone at some point. We become an expert for the briefest of moments in a field of profession that is as familiar to us as nuclear physics is to a 4 year old. You may say strategic football management is not exactly nuclear physics. If that were the case teams would not enlist the expertise of those coaches at the cost of millions. They'd be happy with you doing that for a fraction of the cost. But it does not work that way.

There are pundits of, say, football who form opinions and offer critical analysis. But there too, sitting with other pundits, is not you, is it? Many other such areas of specialization remain that make the idea of the opinion of the expert laymen (not that it matters at any level) seem outright ludicrous.

Take for instance, medicine. Several times I've heard critical analysis of doctors and their procedures from people with expertise in equally intellectually-demanding fields as desk-clerks, taxi drivers and receptionists. The doctor should have done this or that, they say. For them, as it is for many of us, the moment of the expert layman syndrome is something special. Momentarily we are transformed from our current position in the hierarchy of experts to a different position - not necessarily a higher or lower position. If the doctor has expert advice on how a taxi should be operated and is forming opinions about the business dynamics of taxiing then he too is having an episode of the expert layman syndrome (ELS).

This is all fairly harmless stuff, you say. And I have to agree to some level. But there is a very apparent danger in this. The danger is when the society as a whole is suffering from ELS. When that happens we find it difficult to distinguish between the real experts, those who have spent many years in the study of a particular area, and those that are constantly having ELS attacks. Here the problem is exacerbated by the introduction of envy between those suffering from ELS.

Here's how that works. You hear your friend, who's an average paper-pusher in the public sector, comment about some obscure section of the vast sphere of socio-economics of this country and you think: Hmmm, why didn't I think of that first? And so you try to better your friend's efforts. I think this mentality has been so imbued into our psyche that we react in the same style even when real experts express calculated, experience-based and learned opinions.

Now apply this to those few that are privileged with the power of administering this country for us. Most ministers, you feel, are constantly suffering from both the greater form of this envy and ELS combined. Remember when honorable Kamaldeen said, regarding gang violence, that it can only be stopped when they (the gangs) stop it? That's right. He was having a terrible ELS attack right then.

We can only imagine how many real experts from such institutions and establishments as the World Bank and IMF and the UNDP (etc) have given their expert advice on adjusting and transforming our economy, society, quality of life and the country? Remember the Vision 20-20 plan? Everything is big and beneficial to everyone on paper and then some idiot having an especially devastating attack of ELS goes and spends millions of dollars building a jetty for an island inhabited by 12 and a half people.

By the way, if you've missed it, I just had an episode, right there.

June 17, 2008

Heroes to Zeros

And so Maldivians wake up to a another day of reality after what has been an exhausting few days of celebrations that reached orgasmic levels last night when the team that won the SAFF championships landed on home soil. It is back to the grind, back to the bitter taste of ever-increasing food prices, steep fuel charges and shocking reality of a nation in the throes of a serious budget deficit.

People, people. The nation is ready to sell lock, stock and barrel to keep up with the currency crisis that could see the dollar "peg" raised once again. It will sell everything, save for prostituting itself, or maybe even that to raise the funds necessary. And what are we doing? I heard our pasty-faced president is rewarding each player of the team RF200,000, rich chap that he is. And several more charitable well-off-people are showering the heroes with even more cash. Good for the boys. But is it enough to keep them from their day jobs as the ordinary citizens they are?

Maybe, we should establish businesses for them. Turn-key, super-successful sources of income for our heroes? Who knows. Maybe that too is in the pipeline.

Last night my friend Hassan withdrew the remaining Rf 500 from his account and spent that on a bunch of people who's names he hadn't bothered to ask - all in the spirit of national pride, on celebrations, of course. It is barely past mid-month, I wanted to remind him. But who's got the time to do checks on reality when everyone is transfixed on this massive orgy of nationalist pride? To hell with hardships and the daily sweat to feed ourselves and to make ends meet, we are Maldivians and we live for today like there is no tomorrow.

Tomorrow? What's tomorrow?

The past few days saw Maldivians of all walks of life: ministers, drug-dealers, thugs, child-molesters, rapists and your neighbourhood cross-dresser uniting like Qiyaamah arrived in party mode. Yes, it was good to see. There goes the local Quran teacher who has a special affinity towards little boys, over there is the gangster that stabbed your uncle, over yonder is the leader of that infamous gang rape, ah, and there is the cop who beat your brother to a pulp. Oh and there's the atheist mingling with the Habees. All wearing red and all jubilant, cheering and united harmoniously. Yes, my blood raced through my veins and tears welled in my eyes - or maybe I was too shell-shocked to blink - whatever it was, as the radio talk-host said, today will be remembered as the day the country united.

Yes, now we can all go back to our designated tasks now that we've united for a day or two, isn't it? The ministers to protect their coffers, the drug-dealers to there list of ministers, the thugs to their list of minister masters, the child-molesters to their list of Adaalath apologists, and the rapist - I don't know what to do with them lot. We all go marching our separate ways, with nationalism between our legs and a lump of pride in our throats for our heroes, tears welling as we look at our account balance and see the zeros.

The Territory of Mine

They say the roar of a lion can be heard some 5 miles away. The roar of a jubilant nation can be heard even farther.

We have finally achieved something remarkable in our long and tedious struggle to achieve that something in the sporting arena. It IS the time to celebrate, there is no doubt about that. Don't you suck up to those who say SAFF is all but insignificant in the grand scheme of football (spelled FIFA). It maybe so, but tell that to the lion who has made the kill. Does it care that the Serengeti is watching? No! This lion will roar and it will be a proud roar.

Here, in the territory of mine, I see only red.

Here, in the territory of mine, I ... AM ... KING!

June 9, 2008

The inalienable right of every man or woman

As the scene opens we see the People's Front of Judea conducting a secret meeting at the forum.

JUDITH:
        I do feel, Reg, that any Anti-Imperialist group like ours must reflect such a divergence of interests within its power-base.
REG:
        Agreed. Francis?
FRANCIS:
        Yeah. I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg, provided the Movement never forgets that it is the inalienable right of every man--
STAN:
        Or woman.
FRANCIS:
        Or woman... to rid himself--
STAN:
        Or herself.
FRANCIS:
        Or herself.
REG:
        Agreed.
FRANCIS:
        Thank you, brother.
STAN:
        Or sister.
FRANCIS:
        Or sister. Where was I?
REG:
        I think you'd finished.
FRANCIS:
        Oh. Right.
REG:
        Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man--
STAN:
        Or woman.
REG:
        Why don't you shut up about women, Stan. You're putting us off.
STAN:
        Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.
FRANCIS:
        Why are you always on about women, Stan?
STAN:
        I want to be one.
REG:
        What?
STAN:
        I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.
REG:
        What?!
LORETTA:
        It's my right as a man.
JUDITH:
        Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
LORETTA:
         I want to have babies.
REG:
        You want to have babies?!
LORETTA:
        It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
REG:
        But... you can't have babies.
LORETTA:
        Don't you oppress me.
REG:
        I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus going to gestate?! You going to keep it in a box?!
LORETTA:
        [crying]
JUDITH:
        Here! I-- I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans', but that he can have the right to have babies.
FRANCIS:
        Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister. Sorry.
REG:
        What's the point?
FRANCIS:
        What?
REG:
        What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can't have babies?!
FRANCIS:
        It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
REG:
        Symbolic of his struggle against reality.

-

Watch the video of this segment from the movie Life of Brian and if it doesn't get you cracking up you better get your head checked.

Meanwhile, back in present time, a pregnant man, says it's his right to have a child. Oprah agrees. Further reading: here, and here.

June 5, 2008

The Stateless Jerk

As soon as the new constitution is officially ratified and brought into action I am going to accuse a wealthy businessman of leaving Islam and try him for apostasy under clause "Raa" of Article 9, effectively making him stateless. I will have a slimy lawyer argue that at the time of the new constitution coming into act the accused was a practicing Christian and therefore as of that moment not a Maldivian.

The businessman will try to prove his faith in Islam - pleading, sobbing and reciting verses and short Surahs he learned in primary school Islam class. "Gulhuvallaah...". But he is lying and faking, your honor!! His wife will testify for him. But she's a nun, you're honor! Only a cold-blooded, bible thumping Christian could lie with such natural theatrics. Look, it's the devil's work!

The judge, being a guy who've looked at the world through a straw all his life and whose most scholastic read was the Ladybird Reader book 2a ("Here comes Peter. Here comes Jane."), will abide by the new law of the land and revoke the citizenship from the businessman effective immediately. Har har! Your work keeps Maldives 100% stupid, I mean Muslim, your honor.

At which point, the new government can freeze his millions in the banks and use the money to conduct more research into Jinni-mob behavior and to train an army of more effective fanditha-verin.

Meanwhile, floating away with his family with nothing but a pair of underpants in a plastic bag on a bokkuraa towards the Andaman, the poor businessman will be thinking what the hell just hit him.

The Maldives constitution hit you, you stateless jerk!