Random Reflexions

There has been much commotion in the political corridors and the media surrounding the case of Mr. Umar Naseer waking up with the taste of apostate BO in his mouth. By that I mean he discovered the book authored by the Saeed brothers: Freedom of Religion, Apostasy and Islam.

The book is available for $29.95 on Amazon but apparently some enterprising fellow sold a copy to Mr. Umar for some $120 odd dollars. I know this because I listened to Umar's press conference live on radio and he said it himself. Someone's laughing all the way to the bank as we read, eh?

As a result Dr. Saeed has been taking a lot hammering from left, right and center. Apparently he is also a Zionist named Hoffman Steinberg or something. Ok, Umar didn't say that but I am pretty sure he wished it were true. Anyway, quite naturally for a soft-core politician and modern scholar, Dr. Saeed has taken cover and retreated into the proverbial shell of denial.

Maldivians, says Umar, needs a defender of Islam. Not someone who has secular ideologies, such as Dr. Saeed. And so, down hangs in the balance, not a ting-tong, but Dr. Saeed's credibility and the very race to the presidential throne.

So what's a prospective candidate to do? I've a suggestion. Please bear with me on this one please:

Dr. Saeed must get possessed by a jinni. Not just any jinni but a "moomin" (or Muslim) jinni. He should promptly go into a violent fit and speak in a strange tongue, possibly Arabic, then fake a James Earl Jones voice effect for a minute and come to within a few minutes.

Several more fits will follow in the coming days before a prearranged Fanditha-man will be called for help. With this mystic's help Dr. (Jinni) Saeed will then tell the public, in carefully selected words, that he did not write the book and that, in fact, it was written by Mr. Umar Naseer several years ago. He should then promptly lose consciousness at which point an on-looking Dr. Shaheed will go into a violent, but small-size, fit.

The mystic will channel the jinni in possession of Dr. Shaheed's body and ask questions. Dr. (Jinni) Shaheed will then relate that Mr. Umar Naseer was working with the Church of Scientology to sabotage Dr. Saeed's campaign and in trance-like state give a low-down of what the Church of Scientology was about. Dr. Shaheed in possessed state must use Tom Cruise voice effect.

Next day, a hex calculator along with several Scientology related paraphernalia will be found at Alarms.

With Umar Naseer behind bars for spreading Scientology, instantly, the entire nation of Maldives will sympathise with Dr. Saeed after he makes a full recovery with the help of several days of endless recitation of the Quran. He wakes up from the strange affliction and declares his unending love for the country and vows to defend the religion at any cost.

And you thought this happened only in the movies?

May 16, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (19)

I have two solutions for the Makunudhoo problem: total evacuation followed by bombing the island from chartered Air Taxis with the Shahaadat and various miscellaneous incantations and spells and whatnot written on the said bombs cooked up by local mystics and other nutters. All the top Sheikhs can sign on them for added Oomph. I suggest we use the "big one" on the school, if you know what I mean.

Or we could simply bomb the island while the island folk slept fretfully in their beds and forget this ever happened.

Given the utter stupidity of Maldivian mentality, even in this day and age, I think the latter is a safer solution. Why? Because there is a real threat that Makunudhoo is fast becoming a national disaster zone. The island folks are going nuts by the dozens or they have a dozen nuts for brains. Either way, we wouldn't want to catch the nutty infection. Containment is the key here, in a nutshell.

I've said this before. Maldivians have yet to come down from the coconut trees. We're the monkeys that evolution forgot to evolve. Eight hundred years of Islamic mysticism have hardwired our brains into thinking two things: One, there are supernatural, invisible beings called jinnis. Two, they like to live in trees. Sometimes even on little bushes, perched on tiny branches, where jinni folk like to make little jinni swings. They are a merry bunch it would appear, until we Maldivians unintentionally disturb their peace which invites the wrath of their invisible wickedness. Many Maldivians have even been married to jinnis. Is that even legal? Where's the fatwa on flogging the sinner!

Yes, Maldivians live with their noses in modernity and their asses in antiquity. You can shake your head all you want but all you will hear is the rattle of the dozen nuts in your head.

With Makunudhoo, we have a unique problem that could, in theory, become a problem for the entire country. Imagine something like this happening in, say, Majeediyaa school. All it really takes is one student to fake a good fit and the jinnis will be celebrating the fourth of July in Maale saying "we love the smell of stupidity in the morning". Soon afterwards we'll have officials listening to delirious 8th graders and making national policy changes - which may include building schools on top of coconut trees - essentially keeping us where we really belong.

Oh, my head!

May 15, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (17)

I didn't quite notice it at first but the last time he said it I knew he wasn't just my son.

Few days ago, while waiting to be served by one of the clerks behind the computers at the hospital, my soon-to-be five son asked out of the blue:

What are those humans doing with the computer, dad?"

They are processing our records. Wait! What do you mean "humans"?, I eyed him quizzically.

Those humans playing with the computer, he said pointing a finger.

Yeah, but why do you call them "humans"?

Because they are!

Nothing wrong with that I thought and before we could continue the discussion it was our turn with the human clerk at the computer.

Then, a few days later, while giving him a shower, some foam got in his eyes by accident.

Stop it, you human! I can't see a thing!

I laughed it off and apologised and finished off the shower.

That same evening, while reading a book, I hear someone talk in a deep, resounding voice on the telly.

We cannot let the humans pay for our mistakes!

Ah, yes. It was then that I realised I had just had the honor of given a shower to a little Optimus Prime.

Transformers! Roll out!

May 13, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (9)

While driving home in a taxi, Zayan notices a miniature statue of Christ dangling from the rear-view mirror.

"Dad, who's that?"

"That's Jesus."

"Who's Jesus?"

"Some people think he's a god."

"What's a god?"

"Some people think god created the universe and everything in it."

"Is he more powerful than Optimus Prime?"

"What do you think?"

"I think Optimus Prime will be more powerful!!"

"Yeah, in a death-match Optimus would kick his butt."

"Yeah!!"

...and with that he is lost in deep thought and I can tell that a colossal fight was now raging somewhere in the fantastic imaginary world of his mind - where god and Optimus Prime are most at home.

Transformers...roll out!

May 3, 2008 | Permalink | Comments (4)